New day
We go through his nighttime routine
Cleaned up
Jammies on
Go peepee in the potty
Daddy reads books
Two, sometimes three
He has eighty
He only wants to hear the same two or three
He can quote them
But he wants to hear me read
I change up the voices
For 15 minutes it is a vaudeville act
And a circus
And an open mic
And then I turn out the lights
I close the curtains
And it’s time for snuggling
Sometimes we switch
And Mommy sings the quiet encore
His favorites are a secret
He likes improvisation
Then there is more snuggling
You can communicate all of creation inside of a hug of pure intention
He is well loved
We are defenseless against his charms
We are happy
Even when we try not to be
For a time in the dark
We struggle
For space
For connection
For comfort
Sometimes there is bliss for two full minutes
And then a realization sets in
Soon there will be darkness
Soon there will be loneliness
He angles for more time rather than enjoying the moment
Not knowing he is a microcosm
He is always living his life in anticipation of the next thing
He is too much like me
He says, I need you
And he does but . . .
That is not why he is saying that
He says, Don’t leave me
And the heart breaks
He says please – just like he’s been taught, but more earnestly
He works his magic
Manipulating
And 15 minutes turns into 45
Until finally a line is drawn
And inevitably
The cry before the sleep
I have tried to reason with him
I have asked him why he would want to end such a wonderful day with tears
I have asked him how anyone could cry after getting everything they wanted
I have lost my temper
I have walked away
I have given in
I think the hardest thing on Earth
May be closing that door
(Every day I am thankful that this is my hardest thing
It could be food or electricity
It could be selling myself or taking a beating
It could be my life or my family’s
It isn’t and I am so lucky)
I tell him it will be ok
I ask him if he had fun today
I ask what his favorite part was
It’s almost always playing cars
I say we just have to go to sleep for a little while
And then we can do it all again
Only differently
He says, yeah . . . OK
But I can hear in his voice he’s still busy convincing himself
I say if you need us you can come get us
But you need to stay in bed and go to sleep
He says, Tomorrow’s a new day (I think he picked it up from Chicken Little)
And I say that’s right buddy
Tomorrow’s a new day
And I think I’ve won but,
He starts negotiating tomorrow’s exploits
Visits to friend’s houses or grandma’s
Cookies, chewies, cars, and video games
He’s so effing cute
He’s so full of joy and possibility
And despite a desire to stay all night I interrupt him
I love you – good night
I was just talking about. . .
I love you – good night
Um daddy could you stop saying that I’m trying to. . .
I know what you’re trying to do
I Love you – good night
. . .
You have to say it buddy
I love you too daddy – good night
And I bring his door to a close silently
Peace is not a closed door and a sleeping baby
It’s a smile
It’s him reaching up and holding my hand
It’s the chase
And unbridled laughter
We wind the day down, lonely
Listening for him
Secretly hoping he wakes up again
Wanting some water
And needing a hug
We never really rest
Some part is always joyfully waiting
Playing at all the angles
Planning for the next thing
Each New Day
We hide the Easter eggs
We sow the seeds
We run the race
We cry and bloom
We sing and play
Each day is another chance
Another way to say
I love you
