For spring and Etta

New day

We go through his nighttime routine

Cleaned up

Jammies on

Go peepee in the potty

Daddy reads books

Two, sometimes three

He has eighty

He only wants to hear the same two or three

He can quote them

But he wants to hear me read

I change up the voices

For 15 minutes it is a vaudeville act

And a circus

And an open mic

And then I turn out the lights

I close the curtains

And it’s time for snuggling

Sometimes we switch

And Mommy sings the quiet encore

His favorites are a secret

He likes improvisation

Then there is more snuggling

You can communicate all of creation inside of a hug of pure intention

He is well loved

We are defenseless against his charms

We are happy

Even when we try not to be

For a time in the dark

We struggle

For space

For connection

For comfort

Sometimes there is bliss for two full minutes

And then a realization sets in

Soon there will be darkness

Soon there will be loneliness

He angles for more time rather than enjoying the moment

Not knowing he is a microcosm

He is always living his life in anticipation of the next thing

He is too much like me

He says, I need you

And he does but . . .

That is not why he is saying that

He says, Don’t leave me

And the heart breaks

He says please – just like he’s been taught, but more earnestly

He works his magic

Manipulating

And 15 minutes turns into 45

Until finally a line is drawn

And inevitably

The cry before the sleep

I have tried to reason with him

I have asked him why he would want to end such a wonderful day with tears

I have asked him how anyone could cry after getting everything they wanted

I have lost my temper

I have walked away

I have given in

I think the hardest thing on Earth

May be closing that door

(Every day I am thankful that this is my hardest thing

It could be food or electricity

It could be selling myself or taking a beating

It could be my life or my family’s

It isn’t and I am so lucky)

I tell him it will be ok

I ask him if he had fun today

I ask what his favorite part was

It’s almost always playing cars

I say we just have to go to sleep for a little while

And then we can do it all again

Only differently

He says, yeah . . . OK

But I can hear in his voice he’s still busy convincing himself

I say if you need us you can come get us

But you need to stay in bed and go to sleep

He says, Tomorrow’s a new day (I think he picked it up from Chicken Little)

And I say that’s right buddy

Tomorrow’s a new day

And I think I’ve won but,

He starts negotiating tomorrow’s exploits

Visits to friend’s houses or grandma’s

Cookies, chewies, cars, and video games

He’s so effing cute

He’s so full of joy and possibility

And despite a desire to stay all night I interrupt him

I love you – good night

I was just talking about. . .

I love you – good night

Um daddy could you stop saying that I’m trying to. . .

I know what you’re trying to do

I Love you – good night

. . .

You have to say it buddy

I love you too daddy – good night

And I bring his door to a close silently

Peace is not a closed door and a sleeping baby

It’s a smile

It’s him reaching up and holding my hand

It’s the chase

And unbridled laughter

We wind the day down, lonely

Listening for him

Secretly hoping he wakes up again

Wanting some water

And needing a hug

We never really rest

Some part is always joyfully waiting

Playing at all the angles

Planning for the next thing

Each New Day

We hide the Easter eggs

We sow the seeds

We run the race

We cry and bloom

We sing and play

Each day is another chance

Another way to say

I love you